What If Jesus-?

If Jesus were to come back and hang out in America, what would He do? Would He go to church? If so, which one? Would He go to Jay Bakker's church, who isn't too sure about the Atonement?

I don't know, Jesus might be offended by that. Or maybe He would set Jay straight: "Yes, I did die for you!"
Maybe He would drop by Joel Osteen's church, where everybody just wants to be happy and not reminded about their sin. Jesus might stand up and say: "Sin is real, come to Me and be forgiven!"
He could show up at a little church in South Dakota and say: "I really like it here. People honor Me and worship Me here, and trust what I said."

What would Jesus read? The new Stephen King? Dave Ramsey? Nah, He knows how to balance His books. 50 Shades of Crap? Doubt it, since it denigrates women, or so I'm told. Jesus respected women, so I think He'd pass. The Purpose Driven Life? He has a purpose, so maybe He would only proofread it. Comic books? Only IDW, cuz they have Godzilla and X-Files.

The Bible? Well, He has it memorized. The newspaper? Nope, too depressing. I think He would read picture books, with a crowd of kids sitting on His lap. He likes kids.

Where would Jesus eat? Chick-Fil-A, of course. The owner loves Jesus. How about Red Lobster? Those biscuits are fantastic!
Would Jesus watch movies? What kind? Certainly not romance flicks. They perpetuate the myth that finding the perfect someone is the most important thing in life. Sci-fi? Probably not Prometheus, but you never know. Action? Comedy? Horror? How about Little House on the Prairie. He's honored there.
Pro wrestling? Uhh, He doesn't want to get dumb, does He?

Where would He shop? ALDI, that's where. And Lowe's, because it's nicer than Home Depot, and because Jesus was a carpenter.
Jesus loves rap. Not. Unless it's Lecrae. Lecrae be singin' unto the Lord! Would He listen to country, or pop? How about anime soundtracks?  Def Leppard, Stone Temple Pilots, Creed? The Beatles? Slayer? Jesus might not partake of death metal, but I bet He'd go to a Behemoth show and say:

"What up, Nergal."

 

So, what would Jesus do? Cast out lots of demons, I'm sure. And hang out in poor neighborhoods. Would He get a tattoo? I doubt it, since Leviticus forbade it on the grounds that God didn't want His people looking like pagans. Jesus wouldn't break His own Law. . .

. . .of course, that particular law may not be in effect now. Depends on who you talk to. But really, what would Jesus DO? Walk into a parish and say: "You've turned My Father's house into a den of perverts!" Walk into a church and say: "Stop screwing your secretary!"? Or would He go to the playgrounds and spin the kids around on that wheel-thing a thousand times? Maybe He would stroll into Harlem or Riviera Beach and eat some collard greens and chicken, visit the barber shop.

Then, when He's done visting, He would teleport into Washington and yell: "You vipers!" and they'd crucify Him again. Politics and real Christianity sometimes don't mix, you know.

But if Jesus was to make a mini appearance before the Big Return, I'd like to think you and I would invite Him over for pizza and good worship music. And some ice cream. He's never had Moose Tracks...