Interview With The Easter Bunny

"Good morning, I'm Ryan Sawyer with the Himhupe Courier-"

"I know who you are. I come to your house every year, you stupid slob."

What? Why-

Every time I come to your house you have a pile of junk laying around! Toys, rakes, all sorts of crap. If I step on another Duplo block I'm gonna-



Hey, hey now, let's stick to the interview, okay? First, what's your name?

-

Do you have a name other than 'Easter Bunny'?

I do.

And it is-?

Nunnyo biznis.

Okay, next question. How long have you ben doing this?

Over 3000 years, nitwit. Don't you read about your subjects before you interview them? Dumb, short-eared freak...

This is for the benefit of those who don't know you, Mr. Bunn.

Everybody knows me! I'm the freakin' Easter Bunny!

Don't knock over my coffee, please.

I'll drop a special egg in your coffee, Mr. Saw-yer. Anyway, I've been doing this for 3,000 long years. Delivering eggs, flowers, little stupid trinkets. And now chocolate. And gum. Gum? Who the hell gives gum for Easter?

Uh...

You do! That's right. Gum. Losers give gum!

My kid likes it!

Your kid's a buffoon! When is he gonna grow that tooth in, anyway? I'm tired of seeing his goofy grin.

Look, Bunny-

Let's just finish this. I'm about ready to hop outta here.

Good. How can you talk? I mean, you're a five-foot rabbit who delivers an unending supply of candy. How did this happen?

A very good question, finally! Hold on, let me pick this hay outta my teeth. Ah, that's better. Obviously, I'm not a normal rabbit. I used to be human.

Say what?!

I. Used. To be. Human. A man with hairy legs. In fact, I was a janitor in the Temple of Dagon.

No, you weren't.

Yes, I was. You're Easter Bunny was a temple janitor. Those Philistines were a different kind of people, let me just say that. You should see the stuff they used to leave behind after one of their parties! Anyhow, one day these traveling magicians from Egypt came to town. They got into a duel with my boss, all magic powers and stuff. Flashes of light and bugs crawling everywhere. You should've seen it! Wild and crazy. The firebird would have made you poop your chinos.

I'm sure.

Well, a stray bolt of magic hit me hard, an innocent bystander, and somehow turned me into this thing. The magicians all turned and laughed. They didn't finish their duel, they were laughing so hard. My Philistine boss didn't know what to do with me so he sold me to the Canaanites, the ones with the fertility goddess.

Ishtar?

Yeah' her. They put me to work as a delivery guy, dropping off colored eggs and crap like that. Why colored eggs? I don't lay eggs.

Because it represents spring, and new life-

I know that! I was being rhetorical, zippy! So anyway, long story short, I deliver candy and assorted toys and no one ever sees me. The end.

That's an embarrassing story, I must say. Thanks for your time. Just leave my basket by the door if you could. Thanks.

You know, my contract is almost up.

What contract?

The one saying I have to deliver baskets to little children.

You're under contract?

1,2,3, nope! Not anymore! I don't have to follow Ishtar's rules any more. But before I go, Ry-Ry, let me give you a good bye gift. I remember the mousetrap you set for me when you were eight.

Uhh, that wasn't me.

Yeah it was. As part of my contract, I was only allowed to bring good gifts. You know, to make Ishtar look benevolent. Now that my curse is over, I can bring whatever I want. Dematerializing is a nifty power, Ry-Ry. So is super-leaping. So I leave you with the basket I've always wanted to leave with you. Here ya go.

Wha-what is it?

It's a basket, oaf! Now look in the plastic grass!

Mm, jelly beans... a box of Easter Junior Mints...Chocolate bunnies...Voltron? You got me a Voltron toy!?



I did. Isn't that the one you wanted in 1986?

Yeah! How did you get this?

I'm the E.B., baby!

Cool, Thanks!

Sure, thought it was a bomb, didn't you?

Well, sort of. The way you were talking and all...

Nope, no bombs. Say, doesn't Voltron's right hand breathe fire?

Yes it does, why do you-YAAAAHH!

Oooohh, he works! Quit screamin', Ry-Ry. you sound like a girl. The water fountain's to your left. Left! By the way, that's napalm. Water won't help you. Too bad about your face, guy. That'll leave a mark! Well, time for me to go. I've got a few million more to visit. Wait, don't touch your face! Too late...
Tally-ho, butt head!


 

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