An Interview With The Boogeyman

Happy New Year! I am taking a break from the paranormal and religious posts to bring you a special treat: an interview with a well-known global celebrity- The Boogeyman! I met up with him the other day and managed to ask him a few questions:

MX: How are you today, Mr. Boogeyman?

Boog: Just dandy.

MX: Good to hear. I'm assuming your holiday was great one?

Boog: You mean, did I get what I wanted?

MX: Yes.

Boog: I did, but not nearly enough. Too many good children at this time of year.

MX: That's too bad. I just finished building dollhouses for my-

Boog: I don't care.

MX: What?

Boog: I said I don't care about your kids. You won't let me in their room!

MX: Of course not. I like my kids. Now tell me, where do you come from and how do you get around so fast? Do you borrow Santa's sleigh?

Boog: (Leans back in his chair and scratches his chin with long fingers) Long ago, there was a man in a village who had six children. This was an African country, ancient, before you Westerners brought Greek thinking and poisoned their minds. How I hate Helen! This man, who had so many meaty children, could not discipline them because he had no legs. A hippopotamus took them off, of all things-

MX: What's that smell?

Boog: It's the scent of old flesh and death. Don't interrupt an elder when they speak, boy. This man's children did not obey him. They embarrassed him. So he used the only tool he had: his imagination! He told them a delightful tale one evening, a tale about a being who steals naughty children from their homes and eats them, starting with their toes and ending with their scalps. He told it with such vigor, such intensity, such truth, that they believed him.

From that night on they showed him respect. They did their chores, they watched their tone, they stopped embarrassing him. Thus the seeds of my existence were planted. First in the children's minds, and then in their parents'.
This is where I was birthed!

Just a speck at first, but as the story spread and was passed around the village, I grew. I became real. Those parents conjured me and set me loose on their children. They wanted me to frighten their little ones, and so I-

MX: Wow, I didn't know you'd be so open.

Boog: -did it with relish. Dolt, be silent when I speak! Thousands of parents told their children about the 'thing that eats bad kids'. Then millions. I grew in power. I could manipulate the fabric of space. Be anywhere at anytime. I love to hide under beds or in closets. That brings out so much fear! I soak it up. It is what sustains me.

MX: So, uh, what kind of music do you listen to?

Boog: Anything I want.

MX: Rap?

Boog: Never. Or pop. The screams of children are all I need.

MX: Which brings me to my next point. Do you actually eat kids?

Boog: (Leans forward and grins) Some parents want their children gone, and I gladly accept their permission to do so.

MX: That's evil!

Boog: So you say! (He laughs) The most fear they give me is when I bite into them. . .

MX: You should go after their parents, not the kids!

Boog: I do. When they open that door, as you like to say, I run in and take all that I can. They hate it when I drag them through the cellar door and into my realm. Their worldview changes then, I tell you!

MX: Have you ever been beat?

Boog: (He shuffles his feet and rolls his shoulders. Then picks his nose.) A few times. Buy I won't talk about that.

MX: Ah.

Boog: Most times I don't eat anyone. Most times I'm sent to frighten them, and that's enough.

MX: Do you lurk in Walmart bathrooms?

Boog: At least 4 times a day. Those mothers are the worst.

MX: Yeah, fat ladies in thongs should be illegal.

Boog: I agree.

MX: Right now you are in a black suit with a top hat, and extra-long fingers. Not to mention you have dark, rough skin and your eyes are glowing. Do you always look like this?

Boog: I can be any shape I want. An alligator woman, a man in a top hat, an alien, a demon, a clown. Whatever scares the child the most, I become.

MX: Sarah Palin?

Boog: If need be.

MX: You were never in my room, Mr. Boogeyman.

Boog: I should have been. Things would be a lot different for you.

MX: Uuh. . .

Boog: You did, however, love to scare your cousins. Remember that story you told them about the Grither?

MX: Yeah. How did you know that?

Boog: Because I was listening! That was a real story, even if it was disguised as a Tales From the Darkside show. I almost showed up, long arms and all.

MX: Oh crap.

Boog: Be careful what stories you tell, boy. (He grins again and his eyes glow brighter.)

MX: Well, Mr. Boogeyman, I think our time together is over. It's been a . . .pleasure, I guess.

Boog: Definitely.

MX: Another time maybe?

Boog: Certainly. I'll be around.