Interview With a Walmart Employee

 Hello' I'm Marianne Turner from the Palm Beach Post. How are you today? Can you please tell everyone you name?

 Jus' fiiine. I'm Precious. Nice to meet you.

Good, good. As you know, I am here to interview Walmart employees, to see how the conditions are at the world's largest retailer.

Oh, it's good. We get paid, we eat, we go home. Everybody like it here.

There's no abuse here? Managers making you work off the clock, things like that?

No, not at all, honey. We be treated good at Walmart.

That's not what I heard. . .

Well, you heard wrong, Mari-anne.

Tell me about your day.

Well, we come in, go behind the desk, and wait for the first dumb customer to show up. You know, the one wit no receipt. I give her a bad attitude, jus' to let her know she a dumbass.

Oh! You do that on purpose?

Heeell yeah, you know it, girl! I treat 'em like the cows they be. Next time they come in they know better. There so many duuumb people out there. . .

I see. . . Do you ever get any good customers?

Sho' we do. Plenny of 'em. They taste good, too.

What?

I said they taste good, like barbeque chicken.

Uuuhh. . .

Shut yo mouth, girl, befo' the fly go in. What, you think we all stoopit at Walmart? Shooot, it you who stoopit. Where you think all those missin' people go? You know, the ones up on our wall? They in our backroom, girl, in a big bowl.

Big bowl?

Yeah. Some chili powder, kidney bean, onion. . . that some soul food right there!

Walmart is where the freaks go, as you've just proven. Anyway, we-

We ain't done yet, Mari-anne. You one a those dumb customers who say they forgot they receipt, but you really jus' too damn lazy to get it off the floor a yo' car! Precious know how it eeyus. You a tasty one girl. Look at dem chicken legs you got! Whoo!

What's wrong with your face! Get away from me!

Bruck bruck! You goona be good in our stew, lil' mama! Gonna cook you up nex' to dat boy in da red pants! He dumb too!

Freak! Get away!

Don' you punch me, girl. I claw you eyes out! Come ovuh here!

Uh! I'll kick you!

It don't mattuh. Walmart got lotsa us. . . There you go now. Quit yo screamin'! Jus' hitchoo one time. . . Yup. You all done. Cain't take a hit, can you? Yo, Sharice! Get in here! Got us 'nother one!

What, no receipt?

Yup. They never do. Her an' her pretty purse. It mine now.

She ain't dead yet, is she? Y'all so big an' all. . .

She alive. Put her inna bowl. Gettin' to be lunchtime.

I'll get Raul to help. He's a strong 'un. Raul! . . .